I saw people today

Specifically, my people. Several of them. Doing what they do, as I stopped by a building I’ve been many times before to pick up a Black Lives Matter screenprint.

It was amazing to see people again in real life. And at the same time incredibly heartbreaking. As we live, strained, in a time of prolonged death and destruction. Images of PPE, food lines, and riot gear danced in my head. Behind our masks, socially distanced (which is awkward), eyes strained. I really just wanted to act like normal.

“So good to see you!”

“How’s it going!”

“Miss you!”

“Stay strong.”

“This is all fucked.”

I started in what would appear to be in my old spot. Just happy to see you. And quickly, it became obvious this new spot is so fucking hard. So sad. A constant struggle. I really just want to smile at you. And see yours.

Goddamn all of this.

My strain is constant.

Yours is too.

Together, that’s where we’re at.

These are just words

Words for no other reason than to write. To get them out there. To put them down on screen. To be a part of the swirling mess of life in this time of madness. On this screen, that screen, my screen, your screen. Until we can push firmly into the body of another human being we barely know with an embrace of love. The inhumanity of distance has given way to the disintegration of our American selves in a way none of us have seen before. We don’t know what to make of any of this. This new normal. This leaderless place, this nation as a tinderbox, ready to be ignited. We took solace in the lack of public violence as we stayed put, shut in our homes, immobile. Until public violence roared in the form of a knee, nine minutes on the neck a black body, until the life left. What is wrong with us? Why do we do this? I have so many questions. Questions for America. Questions I must have answers to before I feel I can move on. How do we heal? What will become of us? Is this the beginning of our ending? Whatever this is, do we have the words for it? Not likely. Like so many other things in our lives these days, we lack the words to properly describe them. This feeling, like grief but different. Like helplessness but different. Like anger, but then again like blind fucking rage at the way things are. We told ourselves it doesn’t have to be this way, so why is it? What will become of us? I have so many questions. The answers will not come from the writing of these words, but in this moment, it’s all I’ve got.

Productive in a Pandemic

UPDATE: It needs to be said, you’re not working from home. You’re keeping it together, in the midst of a global emergency, scared and uncertain, and you’re trying to get some work done to hold onto the normalcy of a past life while hoping the boulder you’re pushing up the hill gets to the other side soonish.

How in the hell are you supposed to do it? Get productive. Be productive. Stay productive. Your livelihood still depends on you being able to get shit done. No let up, no quit. You are insanely grateful you’re in an industry where you still can work. As long as the internet connection holds and the battery stays charged, you’re good to go. The hardware, the setup, and the arrangements have all been taken care of. Those haven’t changed. You just need to do the job. The people you’re working with are still there. They’re ready to go. And you are so goddamn glad they are. This is no time to be idle. The time is now to make, make, make. For you may not get many more chances. I know, I know, a bit dramatic. But this is a pandemic remember. We’re in it. There’s no going back now.

Dog and ponied, low-balled, New York Citied, and too honest.

All things I’ve experienced in my quest for new and exciting work. Where I wanted the work but ultimately didn’t get it. For one reason or another.

In addition to losing out to the more qualified, better-for-the-job studio, I’ve had outcomes that have stung because I didn’t agree with the end result. Where I thought the team I was putting forth was a far better partner for the task at hand.

Even though I’ve lost out because of the above reasons, I haven’t tried to change anything about them. I hate dog and pony shows because I think they ultimately set things off on the wrong course. The estimates I put together are based on market rates so why would I go lower? I don’t want to live in NYC. And I really see no need to not tell a potential client what I really think.

So if I continue to lose out on work because the other firm is good at putting on a show, under cuts me because they’re shameless, lives in a more design-centric location, or chooses to tell the potential client what he or she wants to hear, well then I’ll just continue to lose work for those reasons.

Onto the next.

We compete with bad taste, low expectations, and a world of bland, boring, and busted.

We have high standards. We do not phone it in. We are better suited for some things over others. We are not a one stop shop. We do what we do and let everyone else do what they do. You decide your own level of involvement! We work hard, reasonably. We are the pushers of “the right way to do things” and are open to rule breaking when it’s called for. We want to make it beautiful and interesting and functional. ALWAYS. Our expectations are what we consider to be normal which means our expectations are high. We have taste and know what’s good. We’ve seen plenty of stuff that’s bad out there and we want no part of any of that. We are not what we do but we do take the title of designer seriously. It’s our work. And we wield it as best we can.

Why is this so hard? Because everything is hard now.

The quest to make something meaningful and great. No longer just making. Making with purpose and wanting to keep pushing it. Needing to keep pushing it. Are we out of ideas? No, we are not. But it isn’t easy coming up with this shit. We sweat the small stuff. We lose sleep. We pound the coffee. We think on it until our brain (almost) explodes. We are not satisfied with “good enough” because we don’t want that to be on our tombstone. Instead we want it to say “actually gave a shit, and it showed.”

Trying to get better at asking for what I want

In this case, who I want to work with. So I’m being proactive. Reaching out. Touching base. Etcetera. Which is something I don’t usually do. While I’ve worked with some AMAZING people over the years, and feel very fortunate to have been able to do so, there are still those organizations or ideas or companies out there I’d love to partner with. Full disclosure. This summer I said I was good to go for 4 more years at this independent game. After that, who knows. So in order to go out feeling good after that time, I feel like I have to leave it all on the floor.